I believe....

I believe in happiness even if I have every reason to believe not to be. I believe that a better world consists of salt and light. I believe christian music makes you feel better. I believe I can be someone conspicuous but be me even if people will spit at my face with looks of confusion, hate, and bizarre. I believe loving everyone even if they hate me. 

I believe the embrace of my mom is both bitter and sweet and I yet have to figure out why. I believe in love, I believe in tears wept silently in a loud obnoxious big silent room. I believe that watching someone going through the wrong path hurts more than a slap on the face, and that if I ever do see the light at the end of the road, I would regret I didn't get to do everything I shamelessly had the fear to do. 

Everything I hold so dear seems to slip out of my hands, but I stupidly believe that this world is better than it shouts to be. I believe that the mountains that are in front of us are there for a reason maybe to be better or maybe to say that we climbed it I still need to figure that out. I believe in school: studying, reading, writing - tears on paper. I believe that we all have a reason to live even if it's only meant to meet your significant other. 

I believe in pick up lines. I believe "She looked like art, and art wasn't supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something." I believe kids are a gift not a curse. That loving someone you don't know is possible because its been done before. I believe that a story with someone with a tragic ending is better than not having one. I pitifully believe in happily ever afters. 

Most importantly I believe in Him. I believe He loved me first and if you could only see my heart you would know that I try with every inch of it to love Him back with all I can. I believe in His promises that He has made for me. His words are what makes me live and if you fell on the ground I would heel your wounds. I believe that I will be just like a star. Because when a star dies it still leaves light behind for many years after its disappearance, and just like a star I will keep living in people's hearts and maybe even leave a breath behind. Do you believe in the night sky? I remember staring at the starry night and the sight was a sky full of sparkles and I could almost here Him telling me that every one of those stars were meant for us to enjoy, but I was selfish for just a second to believe they were all for me, and just me. If you were to look at me that second you could have written a poem of my eyes and just how my eyes captured the night sky in them. I believe that is why I love the stars so much. And if someone told He didn't exist I would be the most asinine person in this world. I believe that a life is both a song and a dance and it's up to us who we want to dedicate it for. 

I believe I'll cry tomorrow. I believe that feeling too much is both a blessing and a curse and that is ok. I believe friends are found, and friends who are a accident are the best kind, and if I could somehow do both, I would be content. I believe rain is the most beautiful type of tears, I believe Treat Others How You Want to Be Treated, the earth is a architecture made by Him, and the worst tears shed where in Grapevine Lake on a warm sunny day.

I believe in Peter Pan and that deep down I will never grow up. I believe that I am a big beautiful mountain somewhere where I can be unnoticed and only be captured by wondering souls. So come and hold me and feel that, “I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” I believe I will be grand and for now that's enough.

Happily Consuming

   When I read the poem, "As Life Was Five" by Jimmy Santiago Baca, I couldn't stop but feeling stabbed in the heart. This might sound very extreme, but to me that's how it felt. The anguish that was happening all over my body was happily consuming all of me. So much that I cried while writing out my first rough draft. The poem was alive! It truly was, and I was Jimmy the helpless little boy who turned into a man he was pushed into being.

   During the poem I couldn't stop and picture myself in this situation. Jimmy was I and my father his grandfather.  I saw what what he, my father, has to go through in work, outside places, and in other common places. My father just like Jimmy's tells me to "Portate Bien" because I'm better and I'm destined for greatness. But thankfully I haven't encountered the dreadful moment where I have to see the man who I see strong, kind, and loving being spit on with ugly faces because of his color of his skin. Although he did once tell me of this one moment in his life where he helped a elderly old white person help his wife get in a car. He told me that he, the elderly gentlemen, held on to his hand with both of his hands looked him straight into his eyes and said thank you. Of course this man probably was just saying thank you and nothing more, but to my dad he said he has never felt the true sincerity of a thank you from someone before in his life. And that's how I see my father. Someone who will help. Someone who is part of this world just like anybody else. Someone who I would hate to see being labeled with a word of ignorant because of his lack of understanding and communicating english. He is like the part of the poem where Jimmy says, "His eyes on me like a voice in the wind forgiving and hurtful and loving" with nothing less than that. Because to me I see my father as someone who I admire. He is always so happy, and the thought of him being otherwise because he is "different" makes me sick to the stomach. But my father wakes up everyday and goes to his job knowing subconsciously what might happen and to that I am forever grateful.

   Racism might not ever extinct, but I believe in happy endings. I believe that me and my family will prevail in this dark world. Being both the light and salt to this world. This world has a lot to work on and I will enjoy the stabs in my heart as long as I see the rainbow after the thunderstorm. Growing with this poem has helped me to understand that better now. 

Jimmy Santiago Baca

    Jimmy Santiago Baca talks to us in this poem in first person to directly get the message he is trying to tell. Through the poem he is trying to tell us to not falter and have hope. "Remembering you are human," is a powerful yet simple way of telling us that we can only be so great. By separating the poem into four stanzas gives each stanza great value. It starts with something relatable to something we must do. And this all ties back to having hope, because life can be hard on us but there will always be a beauty in it. The poem informs us just how life can be beautiful in its harshness, "The sun will share your birthdays with you behind the bars." And all of this again goes from weak to strong to being brave. Because as humans we cam only be strong for so long that eventually it comes the time to deal with the reality that we are not as strong as we think we are, and that's when we are called to be brave. So when I picture this poem I see a bright cloudless sky. I feel the wind going at a steady pace, and I can smell spring arriving. I feel calm and at peace knowing that I can do nothing but enjoy the wonderful day inside a cage. But what makes this poem interesting to me is when he says, "And sing, my brothers and sisters, and sing." I could right away connect with this poem in a spiritual sense. Whenever I get sad or have a hard time I tend to listen to gospel music, and I sing with it declaring the already spoken words. Somehow it makes me feel better, it makes me feel as if everything is going to be okay just by singing a song and I think that's what Baca is trying to get through with that thought. To which ties back to having hope, and find a peace within us. This can also be found in how he repeats brothers and sister to not forget that he cares about what we are going through. Overall I believe that what Baca is trying to say is that there is someone caring for us whether it's him, the world itself, or someone who cares for us. They all want us to keep going in life and overcome the mountain we have in front of us with bravery.

Who Am I?

   When I took Six Human Needs Test I discovered what my needs were. The first of my need was Contribution and my second was Certainty. At first this puzzled me. I have never thought as my self as a person who had to feel comfortable, because I've never really been comfortable in my life. But then I read through the description and it all made sense. Certainty and contribution might be the worst combination out there since to contribute I need to be out there in the world and out of a comfort zone but my certainty pulls me back to what I would call a safe zone making me want to be furtive. This makes it hard to fulfill my need to contribute, but of course I do even if it makes my hands sweat.

   As I started to read on to what my top two needs are I began to realize the importance that I have to help others. Never have I thought as myself as a person who's ultimate goal in life is to help people. This changed my way in seeing myself entirely. Maybe that's the reason I like the books I read so much or why I serve others at church without a grunt or question. 

   My top need is to contribute, and I guess that makes sense. In all my life I always long for the need for someone to want me to contribute in some type of aspect of their life, because I hate to be a disdain to someone's life. Especially in church. Sometimes I feel as if I contribute too much in church, but if I don't contribute as much as I do then I feel as if I'm not doing anything in my life. For example I sing, teach children bible school, play the flute, dance with the kids worship songs, take classes to one day become a leader of the youth, and occasionally take care of babies. Thinking about all this even makes my head hurt, but once I see the faces of joy I helped it all seems more than worth it. It's as if all the struggle I had to face during that day is all worth it because of a smile. Other days I just want to quit all of it and maybe censure the actions I do. I see the life's of the other youths and they don't do nearly as much as I do, and they all seem fine. So then I start to wonder why can't I just be like them? But I can't, and I won't, because I already tasted the joy of contributing and if that means I have to keep doing what I do to not forget the taste of joy then I will do it with a smile on my face.

   To which brings me to the certainty in my life. And in a way my certainty falls into books. I hadn't given it much thought before, but the books I read aren't just random like I thought they were. No, they do have a purpose to why I read them. And I did notice that most of them where about love stories, but I always thought I read them because I was hopeful that one day I too would write a love story with my life. But as I was reading my reviews on what my needs were it clicked to me that that wasn't the case. I have to be in control. It's that simple. When I read a book I have the habit of reading the last page. Most would say I'm crazy, but I think it's perfectly normal. I read the last page because I want to know where I'm going to go in this journey I have set to myself. By reading the last page I feel as if I have the control to what's coming up. So when I read a book about love I have this exigence to read the last page. I have to know that there will be a happy ending and if it's not then all the better because the author truly understands love. They know that love isn't always a happy ending, so why act as if it always will be? 

   A great example of a book with a not so happy ending would be All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven. The author describes the relationship of two teenagers trying to be happy in their dark world, but of course a love story isn't a love story unless it has a tragedy. This book is one of my favorites I have read so far. Some other books that are good, that don't have the "perfect" ending, would be Eleanor & Park, Requiem, and Please Ignore Vera Dietz. They all changed my life for the better. They all connected with me in a deep emotional way. They all showed me that life isn't a perfect story. There is ups and downs, and that you can't always control the situations around us. They showed me that I can grow with bruises and be happy with it.  Just like the story The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. Yeah maybe Amir should have stood up for his friend when he was abused, but he had to grow to live with it and went to go and find his friends child after learning that he, his friend/half brother, was killed. Life isn't always about doing the right thing at the right time, but whenever you can't T the time you can always try to make up for it. And in love stories or books In general that I have read they always have  that moment of growing and standing up to the big mountain in front of them.

   I have learned so much about my life with those two words that describe me it's unreal. But I'm glad I did because some how, some way I gained another piece of me that I never knew was missing. I gained a better understanding of who I am. Of course these needs might change I. The future but until then I will keep contributing and I will try to grow better in being more confident about myself. I'll try to be me. And although I shouldn't let words describe me or label me so much, it's nice to know that I can gain a better understanding of myself. I know I will always contribute in my life and that contributing isn't a thing I do but a habit I have developed over time. I wish to learn from the books I read and learn to live with my unhappy endings. But I will be scintillant to those awful endings making the best to what comes towards the end of a book in my life.

Dandelion

   Thousand Foot Krutch wrote down in their song,"We all wanna be somebody, we just need a taste of who we are." And just like they said I want to be somebody. That is my one little word I want to accomplish this year. Because life is all about discovering yourself and figuring out who you are. 

   Being somebody to me is just not anybody. I want to be kind, spontaneous, fierce, but most importantly I want to be me. I want that somebody to be me! I want to be a star on the sky that shines so brightly it cannot be missed. I want to be a dandelion who sways with the wind leaving its seed, a part of itself, behind. Standing up is the somebody I want to be, letting out a little attitude is who I want to be, and being open is who I want to be. Many would say you can do that as long as you want too. But you see the challenge is to see if I can be all those things. To do such a thing I need to taste what I want and see if that's the type of person I want to be.

   Regardless of what is to happen this year, I will be somebody. And it doesn't matter if I'm just somebody to someone and only one, because at least I'm being somebody. Somebody consist of fighting the wind. Fighting what I can't see but can feel. I want to roar like a lion on top of a hill, I want to be a steady turtle, I want to be me! Life is so much more than me. Life is a living thing ready to be taken by the horns as long as you can control the bull. But this all requires of going out into the world and leaving your comfort zone just like the dandelion. I want to be somebody to everyone who is willing to accept me, accept what I have to offer. I want to be somebody who you may not like, but that's okay because that means I'm being true to who I am. I want to be somebody who is transparent like a jellyfish.

   Being somebody is being someone and no one. I can either be liked or hated upon, but the importance is that I'm there. I'm there. I'm finally there to do something is this thing we call a world. It may not be the world, but a world. A world to someone, and to me that sounds like a lovely thought to be a world to someone.  Because I will be heard, seen, felt by everyone. Because I will be somebody.

   Someone is just another person, somebody is a person. It is given a title, a significance, a meaning. No longer do I want to be someone. I will be somebody. Somebody who will shine among the stars. Maybe there is a lot more stars, and maybe I'm not as important as the whole. But I know this, I am a star, I am somebody, and I will shine in this galaxy. Without that star then the galaxy wouldn't be whole.

Book Cover

  Have you ever heard the saying, "Don't judge a book by its cover"? Many of us have, but choose to ignore it. I, myself, have as well. Why shouldn't I? I have done so all my years and never has a book disappointed me in my life. Unfortunately it came to me just today that maybe it's not just a book they are talking about but a person as well. You see, we label a person right away by just looking at them. Whether they are smart, nice, mannered, rich, poor, etc. and we never choose or given it much a thought that this book cover has a story behind it.

  A book just like any other thing that is created is beautiful. Never is one thing exactly like another. Never is a book the same exact story like another, and that is what makes a book special. But this world has gotten ridden of this concept of being different is ok. No longer is being unique, one of a kind, or us is enough. No. And just like books, humans are scanned and proceed as a category. We can't seem to bear the thought of finding a new thing and give it its self worth, no. We have to compare it to another thing and try to categorize it to what it would be or become over the years. Books are beautiful because they are who they are and have a beginning and a end to which they are tied to and cannot be taken back, because only one person can change that.

  We as people need to be in charge of who we are. We as people need to give ourself the value that we have earned. We as people are a book ready to be read and be understood. Like in a book ,Please Ignore Vera Dietz, Vera fights to be a person who she believes is going to be her future. Her mother was a stripper and her father a alcoholic. Sure her mother was only a stripper for a year and her father quit drinking after she was born seven months later. But she herself thinks that the people they were, her parents, is the type of person she will become. I mean she's already drinking, but unlike her father she is smart and as for her mother footsteps she hasn't really had a boyfriend yet at age 17. People around her her look at her as a classy girl, or so her deceased ex best friend Charlie thinks so anyways, and a girl who is perfect. Living in a big home, owning a car, and never once a wild teenager. But the house feels empty because her mother left her and her father at age 12, her father is very cheap, has a questionable drinking problem, has a unlabeled guy in her life in which she makes out occasionally, and her ex best friend haunts her so she can clear his name. Nothing like what people say she is. Vera Dietz is nothing to whom people think she is and never will be, but that is the beauty behind it all. 

  Although being a equal to everyone else is not bad and keeps you quite safe it does not give a value to yourself. What is a life's worth if it does not do something different than the life standing next to it? A book has a value because it gives a impact, and it doesn't matter if that impact only affected one life at least it made a difference to one person.

  A book is beyond its cover. It does have a story to tell. It does have purpose, and just like a book we as well do. So by judging a book by its cover we are already limiting the book itself of its worth. Not getting to know, understand it, and simply listen to what it says gives that book no value at all. People need to understand that everyone and everything thing has a precocious gift to give. It only takes one person to actually acknowledge it to receive the gift and give it its true value, and that makes a big difference.   

Marking Ourselves

 Life seems to not get any better as we grow older. We notice our surroundings more, the people we hang around with, and the restrictions that are not said but are heard in our hearts. So why would we be mean to people? Doesn't everyone already have a tough life as it is? So why are we mean to them?

  I have two classes in which I have two fellow classmates that are not as devolved in their brain as the rest of us. Although they do participate and are not necessarily not smart they do do things that bug my other fellow classmates. For example one of my classmates that is in my classes is ,what you would say, annoying. Although he does not bother me at all and has done nothing to rest of us, he some how's bugs others. His comments of negativity, like when the teachers asks us how our weekend was and he always comments terrible, are not called for but he can't help it, just like we can't help but breath. It's not like he means to be this way, just like we can't stop being ourselves. But just because he is this way it doesn't call us to mean to him. No my classmates don't bully him or torture him or even get close enough to him to somehow hit him in any way, but they do talk about him. They do laugh at him. They laugh at his voice or roll their eyes when he talks. This might not bother him, but it should bother the rest of us. He is just as equal as all the rest of us, so when do we stop being equal with him.

  While reading "The Curious Incident of The Dog in The Night-Time" I got a better understanding what happens in a boy who has a special way of thinking. We don't understand why they are who they are so we tend to look at the situation like a problem instead of just another thing that is part of the world. For example there is a boy in another class of mine that is as well special, but again not that big of a difference to us. Yes he may as well say things that are not meant to be said at that moment but again it's the way he is. Once he argued with a teacher about a topic, it was a pointless debate, but everyone knew the teacher was right and so did he. But this did not stop him from keeping debating. Finally the teacher said that he doesn't even believe what he's saying and he agreed but that it was necessary to be said. Everyone else was just annoyed and to be honest so was I. But there is a difference between just being annoyed about a person than making that person less than who you are. 

  People are different and we might not like that so much. They might also not like you either, but it doesn't make you a better person making fun at that person or less if you don't. 

  We all need to understand that just because we might be "better" than that person just thinking like that makes us less. We need to treat others like we want to be treated. Because the worst trait we have is what marks us not necessarily the good ones. It might sound harsh but you never hear people talking about others traits in a positive way. So treat others to your level and better because no one is better than anyone else.