When I took Six Human Needs Test I discovered what my needs were. The first of my need was Contribution and my second was Certainty. At first this puzzled me. I have never thought as my self as a person who had to feel comfortable, because I've never really been comfortable in my life. But then I read through the description and it all made sense. Certainty and contribution might be the worst combination out there since to contribute I need to be out there in the world and out of a comfort zone but my certainty pulls me back to what I would call a safe zone making me want to be furtive. This makes it hard to fulfill my need to contribute, but of course I do even if it makes my hands sweat.
As I started to read on to what my top two needs are I began to realize the importance that I have to help others. Never have I thought as myself as a person who's ultimate goal in life is to help people. This changed my way in seeing myself entirely. Maybe that's the reason I like the books I read so much or why I serve others at church without a grunt or question.
My top need is to contribute, and I guess that makes sense. In all my life I always long for the need for someone to want me to contribute in some type of aspect of their life, because I hate to be a disdain to someone's life. Especially in church. Sometimes I feel as if I contribute too much in church, but if I don't contribute as much as I do then I feel as if I'm not doing anything in my life. For example I sing, teach children bible school, play the flute, dance with the kids worship songs, take classes to one day become a leader of the youth, and occasionally take care of babies. Thinking about all this even makes my head hurt, but once I see the faces of joy I helped it all seems more than worth it. It's as if all the struggle I had to face during that day is all worth it because of a smile. Other days I just want to quit all of it and maybe censure the actions I do. I see the life's of the other youths and they don't do nearly as much as I do, and they all seem fine. So then I start to wonder why can't I just be like them? But I can't, and I won't, because I already tasted the joy of contributing and if that means I have to keep doing what I do to not forget the taste of joy then I will do it with a smile on my face.
To which brings me to the certainty in my life. And in a way my certainty falls into books. I hadn't given it much thought before, but the books I read aren't just random like I thought they were. No, they do have a purpose to why I read them. And I did notice that most of them where about love stories, but I always thought I read them because I was hopeful that one day I too would write a love story with my life. But as I was reading my reviews on what my needs were it clicked to me that that wasn't the case. I have to be in control. It's that simple. When I read a book I have the habit of reading the last page. Most would say I'm crazy, but I think it's perfectly normal. I read the last page because I want to know where I'm going to go in this journey I have set to myself. By reading the last page I feel as if I have the control to what's coming up. So when I read a book about love I have this exigence to read the last page. I have to know that there will be a happy ending and if it's not then all the better because the author truly understands love. They know that love isn't always a happy ending, so why act as if it always will be?
A great example of a book with a not so happy ending would be All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven. The author describes the relationship of two teenagers trying to be happy in their dark world, but of course a love story isn't a love story unless it has a tragedy. This book is one of my favorites I have read so far. Some other books that are good, that don't have the "perfect" ending, would be Eleanor & Park, Requiem, and Please Ignore Vera Dietz. They all changed my life for the better. They all connected with me in a deep emotional way. They all showed me that life isn't a perfect story. There is ups and downs, and that you can't always control the situations around us. They showed me that I can grow with bruises and be happy with it. Just like the story The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. Yeah maybe Amir should have stood up for his friend when he was abused, but he had to grow to live with it and went to go and find his friends child after learning that he, his friend/half brother, was killed. Life isn't always about doing the right thing at the right time, but whenever you can't T the time you can always try to make up for it. And in love stories or books In general that I have read they always have that moment of growing and standing up to the big mountain in front of them.
I have learned so much about my life with those two words that describe me it's unreal. But I'm glad I did because some how, some way I gained another piece of me that I never knew was missing. I gained a better understanding of who I am. Of course these needs might change I. The future but until then I will keep contributing and I will try to grow better in being more confident about myself. I'll try to be me. And although I shouldn't let words describe me or label me so much, it's nice to know that I can gain a better understanding of myself. I know I will always contribute in my life and that contributing isn't a thing I do but a habit I have developed over time. I wish to learn from the books I read and learn to live with my unhappy endings. But I will be scintillant to those awful endings making the best to what comes towards the end of a book in my life.
